if you were my boyfriend

"I'm going to take you on a journey to the Far West, to a place where big, greasy hunks have big, pulsating muscles smeared in soot and sweat." (Levi's - Birth of a Legend, Derek Blasberg, 10 Magazine. Q1, 2008.)
Sounds like lyrics to a Beatles' song: mellow and cultured, yet rhythmic.

I love the word pulsating. It makes me *whispering* blush. (I'm obviously distracted.) If you know any thing else about me, save my search for the perfect pair of yellow pumps, you know I definitely wouldn't mind a big (and by big, I mean tall—6'2)¹ muscly specimen. Keep the greasiness and the sootiness.Oh, and the sweat.
Oh my...

Back to Blasberg: he traces the history of the denim in his article from its invention by immigrant Levi Strauss in 1850s California to the present day. He writes very cleverly about this universally celebrated item of clothing. It's enlightening and amusing at once.
But I digress.
I mean to reflect on the word, "pulsating."
Tch-th'p. (A more onomatopoeic version of 'thump,' in my opinion)
Tch-th'p.
Tch-th'p.
Tch-th'p. LOL
Alright... I really mean to contradict Mr. Blasberg and denounce his flawed perception of many American men I've come across. I certainly haven't met any 'big' hunks recently. Maybe, I'm not looking hard enough for these hunks. Hmmm.. I love the word 'hunk' too. And 'hung.' A nicely hung bunk. Yum. If I really did find an American² Blasberg hunk, I'd make him my boyfriend,³ then get him these sets of cufflinks.


Whimsical, yet very chic, these pairs of cufflinks made of lucite-encased South Asian beetles ($225 a pair at Takashimaya NY) were made to catch the eye. If I met a man wearing a pair of links such as these, I just might fall in love (or fuck, excusez moi, s'il vous plaît) with him.⁴ It's certainly fitting for the man who is confident enough in his style to play with elements in the few accessories afforded him. It necessitates some measure of forethought in wardrobe preparation of course. A younger Humphrey Bogart comes to mind, although you couldn't see his trinkets in color. Complementing the cufflinks' colors could prove challenging, so I'd advise plain (are there any other kinds??) collared shirt and singly-colored ties with simple, matte belt buckles and jewelry/watch that match or integrate the underlying brass shaft and hinges. Just think, whilst standing upright with your arms placed at your sides, you'd want the wrists' region—the encompassing sphere around the hands and torso—to appear coherent. Save the obnoxious bling for never.
Yes, I'm super finicky. Yes, that's why I'm single. No, I don't mind; at least not yet :).


I'd also buy my lover these modish trims by London-based Arm Revolution whose webbie launched on the 16th of November last year. I know this why?? I'd signed up to be notified when they launched, and it's two days before my baby sis' birthday :). (I knew I retained completely useless info like this for a reason.)
For the record, Arm Revolution does not make cufflinks, they design "steel arm architecture" that will run you about 700 bucks a pair. Neglecting this small issue of price, these links⁵ are, indeed, (man) haute!! The intro video on the website is hot enough to make one feel as though one is being invited to partake in some voyeuristic episode. You've got to give these revolutionary guys kudos for managing border-line soft porn to sell their trinkets. But seriously, I'm thoroughly in awe of the (manly, of course) chic simplicity of the designs. It's very understated, yet super edgy and super sleek; just like I love my men. It's no question that I'd have to keep from jumping any man sporting a pair of these pussy magnets.⁶ And because you couldn't be expected to buy arm archi** and just shut up, you are invited to register your gear, and perhaps, mingle with other douche bags men—j/k, I do love a bit of arrogance every now and then—who've registered theirs too. I guess you could possibly move on to set up a meetings with your new best buddies to discuss to the size of your stock portfolios; or dicks. I'd be keen to listen in either way. And yes, bigger is always better in both cases.







Bubblegum flavored kisses.
Your gyrlfriend.


P.S. I'm so glad I wrote something for the guys. This marks my first post installment for a section I may refer to as man chic, for lack of a better imagination at the moment.
P.P.S. I'd totally rock those cufflinks myself.

Footnotes:
1. Indeed, I'm 5'1.
2. American, only because I'm in the U.S. I don't discriminate.
3. That's just the kind of gyrl I am, I pick my boyfriends. Haha.
4. This poses a delicate situation, however: In the process of noticing his links, my eyes would undoubtedly be drawn to the man's hands. If he belongs to the class of men—I come across with alarming frequency—who are uneducated in the merits of lotion, and thus, walk around with dry ashy hands; it just wouldn't work out. This notion of men sporting wilted hands is extremely puzzling to me because I grew up with a father who regularly put lotion on his hands immediately after he washed them.
5. Sorry, I just can't keep saying arm architecture.
6. While it may seem otherwise, I'm really just a prude with awfully naughty thoughts that I usually keep to myself.